A Nagging Feeling at the Symphony

I went to the symphony tonight in San Francisco — they performed Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9, which is one of his more, if not most well known pieces.

To see artists in their element is something glorious to witness. They’re truly in their flow state. Feeling the rhythm, the music, playing as one entity. A collections of various hands and bodies moving in such a way to produce beautifully delicate and robust sounds.

While I certainly felt bouts of joy, the longer it went on and the more it settled after the performance, the more melancholy reared its ugly head.

The realization that while in many ways I’m living the life I want, in other ways, I feel so far from myself. That word “malaise” flickering in bright neon.

Earlier in my career — my early twenties — I ventured into the world of entrepreneurship. I was doing the “thing I loved”. Like most things in life, that love eventually wore off as the “thing I loved” became the thing I needed to keep going so I could pay the bills and provide a life for myself.

While some people seem to slide into doing the thing they love, not everyone has that experience. It’s been almost eight years since I got into tech. The biggest draw was for the security — Monday through Friday work, a 401k, nice perks, and working on a product or for a mission that spoke to me in one way or another.

Tech is the industry people, and creatives go into to find a sense of security and stability.

Many of us previously worked in retail or hospitality or the arts. Spaces where we were face to face with customers, on our feet, and largely scraping by with low pay and wonky hours.

So in some ways tech provided a haven. An industry for the misfits who didn’t have a focused career path — doctors, lawyers, architects.

Maybe the sheen or shine is starting to wear off. My wallet and bank account appreciate the deposit every two weeks. I feel safe. I feel comfortable. I can buy myself things and experiences without much stress or anxiety. It’s a truly privileged place to be.

At the same time, my heart isn’t in it. Between the chords or the stanzas or whatever terms they use in the symphony world, I felt the pangs of emptiness.

That feelings where you’re there but not really there.

I do good work, am pleasant, and try to make a difference where I work.

Career is an aspect of my life; not its entirety…and I appreciate that about myself.

Yet, I’ve also convinced myself for awhile that this path is “good enough”.

I struggle with the “do what you love” crowd. It often seems flippant and shallow. A gurgling chorus of self-deluded people. Sure, businesses can work out. But people rarely talk about the sacrifice, struggle, and intensity of creating something from nothing.

It takes a different kind of energy; a whole other set of challenges that come with a steady 9 to 5.

Beethoven confronted me tonight and left me with more to chew on than I anticipated.